I'm sorry [Break failed LOL as usual]
NeutralNew: My break isn't working, i'm becoming worse... I came back because I need to talk to my friends and try on art again.
I apologize if I offended anyone, I didn't mean to. My mom noticed I was getting worse but she hasn't noticed I been crying off and on all day.
My aunt ruined my birthday and I have became somewhat depressed when it happened and my mom has been talking to her so much. Her birthday is tomorrow so I think she's going to spend the whole day with her, which I honestly don't care now. My mom has been ignoring me off and on and I haven't said that much for the past few days. My mom thinks i'm starting to throw up again... It's a way I have been punishing myself for 6-7 years and I still somewhat do it. I honestly feel like I don't exist right now...
My art block is driving everyone insane and including me... it's making me super bitchy and upset. I'm trying to make new art, I just wish this feeling would go away. I'm starting to cry again and I haven't since my last argument with my mom and dad, which was months ago.
My stomach got to the point where it felt like it was eating itself and it was hurting nonstop for days, that's how little I was eating. I think I was into the 70s-80s until now, i'm finally eating and gained some weight. I really feel like I don't deserve to eat or anything, it makes me feel guilty somewhat in a way I can't explain.
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My Birthday: Thank you to everyone who commented.
You guys made it much better for me and my mom some what.
I APPRECIATED EVERYTHING I GOT by the way, I thanked my mom many MANY times for it, it just doesn't sound like it.
Before: My mom and I went to Walgreens and I binged on candy and I decided to invite my aunt days before since she said she was going to buy me something and we both were happy, plus I was trying to get over how much I hated her and stuff and try to be an adult for once, what a BAD idea. She bitched, whined, got hysterically sad or acted crazy retarded the whole time.
In the car on the way to walmart I was listening to my rapish? songs back and forth and just started dancing somewhat in my chair.
I'm on a Boat- T-pain and The Lonely Island
I'm not you boyfriend- 30H!3
Elevator- Flo rida/Timbaland
Right Round- Flo rida
Sugar- Flo Rida/ Wynter
Yes, I listen to rap, it's a guilty pleasure, I don't care if it's nasty as long as if it has singing, a good beat or something to it, I will like it... I try to accept mostly all music now.
When it starts going bad:
We went to walmart and that's a whole other embarrassing story about my aunt.
Then to the mall:
My aunt embarrassed the shit out of me completely!!!!! She was talking to strangers (A BUNCH and she tells them things YOU DON'T want to hear) and stopping off and on constantly, when we were walking to random people and started talking. Then we ate first and I wanted Sbarro's since my two favorite places to eat make me throw up and extremely sick. My aunt was like "Pizza, Pizza I LOVE PIZZA" and usually I could finish it but my stomach feels so messed up, since I haven't been eating much the past few days. It was getting to the point where it feels extremely empty and hurting and it's a nightmare. She ended up begging for my pizza crust until I have to rip it off and give her it. Then my mom and aunt start talking about when they are going to die and how everyone dies. IT'S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, THE ONE DAY I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT TO mention it, what do they do. Deathfest, who's dying, what died, what bad things are going on with the world and my dead grandma.
If it's not death it's puppies!!!!! I was like "wow, this is the best conversation ever" and my mom's like "what, it's true" so then it went to awkward silence after and then we were done with eating in the mall.
So then we went to Hottopic (I been shopping there since grade 9 so I don't care)
I also got ignored off and on through the trip (which lasted for hours)... so I barely spoke.
My aunt was talking a lot to the girl in Hottopic who worked there and my aunt was like "i'm too ugly""i'm too old" "i'm too short" and the girl was like "you could still wear those" talking about boots and clothes. Then my aunt said she was going to buy me a skirt from there. Guess what? She ended up leaving out of the store and made my mom pay for it, so it made me feel EXTREMELY HORRIBLE because my mom said she was going to buy me 2. I didn't even want to clothes shop for my birthday, I don't weight that much and usually nothing fits me. I hate shopping for clothes! My mom was like "it's her birthday today" to the girl who worked there and she said "how old is she?" my mom said "oh she's twenty" and she was like "I thought she was 13". Then RIGHT after we left Hottopic, my aunt started POUTING about stuff she couldn't wear and crap, OMG I wanted to scream so badly!!
Then we went to gamestop and it sucked barely any choices for psp games/movies, then we went to FYE. I got my Bleach backpack, I wanted for awhile<3 BUT THEN MY AUNT BECAME WORSE! After we left FYE she starts talking about something really disgusting (which was making me sick) and she talks LOUD so people around us were like WTF EWW SHUT UP. So then my mom tells me "I just spent like almost 200 dollars on you at Hottopic", so then I almost started crying because I felt super guilty! I didn't even ask for the skirts or some of the shirts, they are the ones who just picked them out and they were like $30 something each. My mom bought me three along with a few shirts and a button and two lipglosses. At least I had a Hottopic card and saved only 29 bucks :\ so it was like $178.
I never ask for much and yet once I do ask for something, it always gets rubbed in my face like "OH WELL I SPENT THIS MUCH ON YOU!" I rarely go anywhere, this is my first time going somewhere this month and whenever my little sister goes she gets like a shitload of stuff. My mom never rubs it in her face and she takes my little brother and his friends to movies and let's them come over and buys them pizza and rarely ever rubs it in his face.
So then I didn't get to see the movie I wanted to see badly and I didn't get to go in other shops because "My aunt was sick" . IT WAS ALL ABOUT MY FUCKING AUNT ON MY DAMN BIRTHDAY! This birthday I wanted to mean something to me, I was excited because I honestly couldn't believe I made it this long with all the near death experiences, almost car accidents, making myself throw up for years and barely eating anything, and stupid things I did that almost killed me. Like giving myself a heart attack by taking 11 Advil when I weighed 80 pounds or less.
My aunt's birthday is on the 28th so my mom is going to spend the whole time with her on that day. My mom calls me her name all the time and she even got my birthday wrong few days ago and said my birthday was the 28th(WHICH IS MY AUNT'S B-DAY).
I really feel like I don't exist most of the time i'm here.
Then we went out of the mall and they wanted to smoke a cigarette. My aunt and my mom noticed I was upset and I ended up sitting at one of the tables away from them. So then my mom was like "I tried to make it the best birthday for you" and I almost started crying because I felt worse. So then I lied and said "I'm fine" like I normally do and then my aunt can tell when i'm mad at her and she said "here's your birthday present" and gave me $50 in change, that fell on the ground. Then my mom said I could use her credit card to order some things online and get to see the movie on Friday. I was starting to feel better until this:
We were going home, it was nighttime and my aunt was telling negative embarrassing stories about my grandma before she died. I couldn't handle much more and put on my headphones and listened to those songs.
Next day (3/25)
I woke up at 3p.m.(since I was somewhat depressed ) to my brother Travis in my room looking for batteries and then he left and I heard my mom say "I Had a bad day YESTERDAY" so then I told my mom "I'm sorry YOU had a badtime" and then she was like "OH NO! NO! I DIDN'T MEAN THAT, I MEANT How many times I messed up on stuff"
:\ sureeeeeeeeeeee and now she has barely spoke to me today.
3/26 till now:
She barely said hi to me and when she did talk to me it was about the tv or dogs. I said "Hi" to my mom and she said nothing"
Today has been horrible.
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Old news:
- I'm terribly depressed/angry/bitchy about things about how my birthday went.
- I still have A LOT of notifications on stocks and the feature to do. I have been really sick since I came back to DA and then just not on my computer that much, why everything has been LATE. (if you read my one journal entry, I even mentioned that I have notifications to do)I forgot to put it on my last entry because it was my birthday entry.
Sorry that I sound bitchy, I just really hate everything right now.
- Thank you to everyone who left me a birthday comment (I will comment later
Devious Comments
If you need to talk I have a extra ear to listen just note me
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~The Irony Of Life Is That, By The Time You're Old enough To Know Your Way Around, You're Not Going Anywhere Anymore ~
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And you know what, that dumb hot topic girl can go suck it! Everyone thinks I'm about 5 years younger than I am now and you know what? When we're in our 30's everyone is going to be jealous because we'll look like we're 20!
Sorry if I didn't make a lot of sense, but if you understood any of it I hope it makes you feel at least a tiny bit better
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"A person who thought he knew everything simply didn't understand how much there was to know."
You made a lot of sense and thank you for the comment, you made me get out of this horrible mood.
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I support Era Nocturna: [link]
=fluffycorsola~urasei~taintedxbliss=Morteque
~MistressRavenPage and =bitchinblack
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I support Era Nocturna: [link]
=fluffycorsola~urasei~taintedxbliss=Morteque
~MistressRavenPage and =bitchinblack
Just remember, it's hard to do at first but when you learn to not let the "crazies" in our life's effect us life gets a whole lot better!
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"A person who thought he knew everything simply didn't understand how much there was to know."
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~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~
~The Irony Of Life Is That, By The Time You're Old enough To Know Your Way Around, You're Not Going Anywhere Anymore ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
I support Era Nocturna: [link]
=fluffycorsola~urasei~taintedxbliss=Morteque
~MistressRavenPage and =bitchinblack
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